Entrance to the darkness

Hey everybody, i guessed it has been ages since i last blogged. Sad to say, i just came out of somewhere which is meant for dogs to live in and i'm going back real soon. Indeed, i was caught and my future is ruined, nothing remains the same anymore, people kept asking me why i did such thing but how many people really understand why i do this and fuck, this will result in a scar that will stick with me for the remaining part of my entire life. Nobody knows the difficulties that my family is having, nobody knows how hard my life is, that penny can really save my stomach from hunger for 3 days, or even more, but the consequences is unbearable. Frankly, can anyone tell me whether a 18 years old boy like me have the courage to face my family members anymore when i come out of prison. Yea, i told myself that that job will be my last job but i didn't expect it to turn out to be the turning point of my life. A last job, introduced by friend, lead me to darkness and living in spartan condition. A moment of folly or rather greediness, lead me to a life time of regret. Everyone said no matter the distance, we'll still be brothers or friends forever, but this is not the main issue, what i'm concerned about is my family members and you. You asked me what are the things that i can't let go? you know it yourself:)
I dare not think of my future, because i no longer have the future anymore, only darkness which i dare not dream about. May it be 1 and half years or 2 years, or even a few months with the cane, i'm not afraid of the loneliness but i'm just afraid of the mishap that might happen to you,my family members and all my brothers and friends outside. The canning process will take at most 2 weeks to heal up, nothing much to worry although i don't know whether will i get such a heavy sentence or not, but now the only thing i know is that my hard work for every test and exams has came to no end, everything became rubbish now! After prison, will there still be outside willing to employ someone like me? will there be any girls out there willing to have a husband who has scars on his butt? So can anyone tell me who am i after i come out later in life? everybody went on with their life, i'm like being trap inside a time machine and its my age that is ongoing. Afterall, i scold you and all in the past, i still care for you, you're the first person i called when i came out of lock up, hope you find your happiness outside yea. I know its totally impossible for you to be with me again because you won't want a useless boyfriend too :) yea haha, its okay, i don't ask for much, do write to me if i really go in alright dear. All my brothers, I really hope that everything is fine, i'm not trying to be pessimistic, but i have to prepare for the worst thats why i kept saying i will be going in. Who love to be sentenced to a fucking place facing four walls and drinking water from the toilet bowl? :( I AM REALLY A FOOOOOOL! FUCK IT
1/4/09 i'm reporting , hopes that people pray for me too, I'll be fine if not ..........................